Stories are written by people who don’t necessarily work or study in fields related to sexology. They convey emotions, perceptions, and subjective perspectives. Opinions voiced in the stories are those of their authors, and in no way represent the position of Les 3 sex*.

Ce témoignage est aussi disponible en français [➦].

Translated by Zoe Yarymowich

Being single: a subject many try to avoid with finesse during family gatherings. I’d like to say that it’s a reality that’s fading away, but a significant number of us still face it. How is it that even today, in the age of the third wave of feminism, so many of us still question our marital status? Aren’t we being too old-fashioned in thinking that one cannot be a fully fledged human unless they are in the presence of their “better half”?

Some aspects of being single are still taboo and deserve to be examined. I will, therefore, aim to define what it means to be a single woman and follow with my vision of a self-partnership. It is time to deconstruct this sacred norm of “the couple” that oppresses so many women.

What Does it Mean to Be a Single Woman?

According to the Larousse Dictionary (2019), singlehood refers to “the state of someone of marriageable age who is not married” [translation]. The arbitrary nature of this definition successfully introduces the meaning I yield to being a single woman. We live in a society wherein the norm of social functioning is that of the heterosexual couple. We are told that love is a pure and privileged emotion and that the success of the couple is the ultimate achievement. What woman has never been asked about her marriage or about the man of her dreams? From the age of five, I was told that my best friend was not just a friend, but my boyfriend. Later, during my adolescence, I was referred to as “a woman who is to be married,” as if I could have no other ambition than to be married or part of a couple.

It is possible to observe that the norm of the couple is intrinsically linked to the family institution. According to this institution, any way of life, other than that of the couple, is disqualified. This means that if the couple is the norm, then being single consequently becomes deviant. In this way, celibacy plays a repressive role in bringing women back onto the straight and narrow family path, thus, the heterosexual couple. This is done through advertisements that sanctify the couple, through the family that interrogates our love life, through Facebook that asks us about our relationship status, through the nice man who asks us why such a beautiful woman is still single, or through adults who question children about their “little girlfriends” or “little boyfriends.”

The heterosexual precision that makes up the norm of the couple is important since it shapes our feminine imagination. The concept of constraint to heterosexuality, as described by Adrienne Rich (1981), allows us to challenge the alleged naturalness of heterosexuality that delegitimizes any other form of sexuality. This concept presents heterosexuality as a patriarchal institution suggesting heterosexuality as natural for a majority of women. As a result, women are led to believe that marriage (and being part of the couple), and being sexually attracted to men, are inevitable expectations in their existence as women (Rich, 1981). For this reason, the naturalness of heterosexuality can be brought into question.

I was 15 years old the first time I ever questioned my sexual orientation. A friend had just told me that she was homosexual, which led me to question my sexual preferences. At the time, I was a little confused as to why I had never questioned my sexual orientation until now. At that moment, I felt a clash between what society expected of me (to be a heterosexual woman and in a relationship to start a family) and the various other possibilities that existed. My friend’s coming out made me realize that there was not only one way to live one’s life, sexuality, or go about their romantic relationships. I can recall that at the time, I was already preoccupied with the fact that I hadn’t yet had a romantic experience. I felt that because of this, I was abnormal for never having had a boyfriend and that I was single because I was ugly and uninteresting.

From experience, I would say that there are two images associated with feminine singlehood: the libertarian singlehood, characterized by diverse sexual experiences, and the shameful singlehood, characterized by the failure to be in a couple. In either case, women lose out by not being in a relationship and are left stigmatized. They are perceived as demanding, difficult, career-oriented, crazy, uptight, naughty, independent, hard to live with, unpleasant, or even unassumed lesbians. Therefore, being single is seen as a societal norm that largely plays a punitive role towards women, by discrediting them through judgment and shame. In my opinion, these images are negative and fail to accurately portray the realities of single women. Having never been in a relationship that conforms to the norm and never having declared myself as being in a relationship, I know all too well that my situation as a single woman causes the people around me to talk. They wonder why I’m single and assume (indirectly of course), that perhaps I’m a lesbian; they worry whether or not men like me or if I am dating. My being single bothers those around me and is perceived as a failure. It always saddens me that people are more interested in my marital status than my studies, my political beliefs, or what projects drive me.

All in all, for many years, being a single woman for me meant feeling inadequate, problematic, and incomplete. The pressure to be completely happy in a relationship was so strong that it made me question myself. Am I too picky about my partners? Am I abnormal for being alone? Am I even lovable? Am I a legitimate woman, even if I don’t fit, or want to fit, the couple's norm? I believed that being single was a problem and that I was responsible for it. The other options on the spectrum, between the poles of the couple and being single, have long seemed invisible and invalid. No matter how each of us experiences being single, it still currently means being outside the norm in society’s eyes.

The False Question of the Choice to be Single

Is being single chosen or suffered? This fateful question can take us from a portrayal of a poor desperate woman, to a portrayal of a strong woman in a matter of five seconds. This question horrifies me because first, it is intimate and does not concern anyone but oneself, and second, it diverts attention away from the real issue. I believe that the desire to be single or not is not important. What should be seen as important is allowing all women to live freely - even if that means living alone. The binarity of “couple” and “single” as the only categories is suffocating, oppressive, and limiting. A multitude of realities exists between these categories and I believe it is important they are recognized. We need to broaden our spectrum of relationships and our understanding of them: they are much more diverse than a heterosexist binary category. I believe that each of us should feel valid and complete, regardless of marital situation. The norm of the couple must be deconstructed. We need to create inclusive spaces in which we can flourish while respecting the validity of one another’s life choices.

Self-Partnership

The deconstruction of the norm of the couple introduces the concept of self-partnership: being in a relationship with oneself. This term, used by Emma Watson in early November 2019, has its roots in several feminist claims. These claims formulate the idea that women may not subscribe to the traditional model of the heterosexual couple and family. As a single person, I appreciate the self-partnership concept because it allows me to redefine my place, value,and way of life. Being in a relationship with myself implies that I am the central person in my life, which gives me back significant importance. Being single presupposes an incomplete team; self-partnership asserts that if alone, I am complete and thus “normal.” In this way, this concept takes up the norm of the couple and subjugates it to its individuality to create a new relational spectrum. Additionally, it represents a political position that resists the norm of the couple. As a result, self-partnership presents itself as a rejection of traditional norms that favour marital relationships and it refuses to aid and abet dissenting questioning of one’s choice to be single. It refuses any shame of not being nor wanting a relationship and above all, it refuses to be assigned to a de facto category.

Thus, instead of existing as a very valid state or choice, it is my experience that being single has largely served as a social construct that subjects me to a reconstructed model of the couple (and therefore, the family). Being single is experienced a thousand and one ways, according to a thousand and one varying contexts. It deserves for society to place less critical importance on it. Women are much more than “beings of love” and relationships are much more complex and diverse than what we are led to believe. This is why, as a single woman, I call for a deconstruction of the norm of the couple so that we can move forward towards something more representative and inclusive. It starts, in my opinion, with self-partnership or any other term that leads and encourages the creation of more fluid living.

Other stories are available in the file “Single. Towards a positive redefinition.” Do not hesitate to explore the file in its entirety.