Stories are written by people who don’t necessarily work or study in fields related to sexology. They convey emotions, perceptions, and subjective perspectives. Opinions voiced in the stories are those of their authors, and in no way represent the position of Les 3 sex*.

Ce témoignage est aussi disponible en français [➦].

Translated by Gabrielle Baillargeon-Michaud.

Recently, she broke down in tears in her psychologist’s office, overwhelmed by her inability to be intimate with a guy—to kiss, to touch, etc.

She cried because society insists that she should be able to do these things. She wept feeling that she had no choice but to go ahead with it... somewhat against her will.

How long will a man wait for her to be ready to get naked? To let her shoulder or her breasts be touched... to allow a hand to wander lower while her heart pounds and her head screams for her to flee.

How long will a man wait until she is ready to touch him? To please him... To do what all the other girls seem to do: suck him.

Perhaps she also cried because she pressured herself to fit the norm. She has always felt different.

This girl struggles with acceptance. She cannot accept that this is how humans are: they enjoy making love. She would like to enjoy it too, to try at least, but the thought terrifies her.

She already finds it nearly impossible to masturbate without feeling shame, without feeling objectified.

She is no longer a virgin, but that was not her choice. She lost her virginity when she was just 7 years old. 

She had given her consent without understanding that it wasn’t valid, without knowing what she was consenting to.

Today, she lives in fear. She dreads meeting someone, kissing, being touched, trusting... She has developed a phobia of sexuality.

At times, she views sexuality as utterly repulsive. Because it has caused her pain once, she fears it will do so again.

Each time she masturbates, she is haunted by the image of the man who raped her, looming over her. 

And she questions how sexuality can be seen as beautiful... How it can be pleasurable.

Because each time she masturbates, she feels even dirtier than before.

The girl is overwhelmed by the complexity of a romantic relationship. Above all, she longs to be normal and to share her life with someone. She needs to understand and believe in a world where sexuality is beautiful, intimate, and meaningful. She needs to believe in the existence of a man who won’t flee when she shares her deepest fears with him. A man who will take the time to know and love her before exploring her body.

I am 22 years old, and I am that girl, a girl who feels like a little kid every time she talks about sexuality, about the assault. Whenever I tell one of my friends what happened to me as a child, they say they would never have believed such suffering lived within me. Because you know, I play the game well. I laugh at sex jokes, I understand the innuendos that are omnipresent in our society. Yet, this suffering, it is very much there. 

Deep down, I was crying because it's painful live your life constantly haunted by a rape.

Because the crime scene is your body.

And because as I get older, the hope of finding love and a healthy sex life fades.