Stories are written by people who don’t necessarily work or study in fields related to sexology. They convey emotions, perceptions, and subjective perspectives. Opinions voiced in the stories are those of their authors, and in no way represent the position of Les 3 sex*.

***Trigger warning : The content of this story may trigger distress in some people. Resources are provided at the end of text.***

Ce témoignage est aussi disponible en français [➦].

Translated by Gabrielle Baillargeon-Michaud.

With trembling legs and my heart nearly leaping from my mouth, I made my way home.

I dreaded arriving.

Shame, fear, pain, and a sense of filth overwhelmed me.

It was the first time I abandoned myself.

I had allowed it to happen. I had become paralyzed. I was too scared to say no, fearing rejection above all else.

I had endured anal sex without lubricant. Violent, without half measures, as a first penetration. I couldn’t wait until it was over. It hurt so much.

I was 12 years old.

My first time should have been beautiful, delicate, caring and consensual.

But I didn’t say no.

Even though my whole being was screaming it.

I gave in.

When I got home that day, my mother asked me if I’d made love.

I’ve always been close to my mother, we sense each other, we respect each other, we love each other, and we tell each other the truth. That was true even when I was 12.

But that day, I lied to her.

I told her I hadn’t made love.

I didn’t think of it as lovemaking. I thought the whole thing was disgusting.

Talking about it to my mother was just too painful. More than that, I felt deeply ashamed.

Since that day, I’ve been lying to myself. I fabricated a first time for myself. 

I discussed it with my friends. I wanted to be “cool” because I was sexually active.

And the saddest part is, I eventually believed my own lies. 

My whole life, I’ve been terrified to say no to a man. 

Whenever they showed me desire, I felt I “owed” them something.

I racked up one sexual encounter after another.

I gave up on myself so many times. 

Constantly putting a man’s needs before my own.

I can’t count the number of times I felt like I was just a piece of trash.

A toy.

A doll.

My self-confidence really took a hit.

Twelve years later, I started having flashbacks.

Memories of the truth started to resurface. 

A desire to speak out grew. 

Today, I am working on forgiving myself.

Forgiving myself for seeking others’ love before learning to love myself.

Forgiving my 12-year-old self for not knowing how to say no and not fighting for what she really wanted.

I’m trying to forgive the woman I’ve become, the woman I used to be.

The one who often doesn’t understand how someone could love her.

Available Resources
Free Sexual Violence Helpline

• Everywhere in Québec : 1 888 933-9007
• Region of Montreal : 514 933-9007

Tel-jeunes : 1 800-263-2266

Help and resources on sexual assault
Organizations that help victims of sexual assault
Montreal Sexual Assault Centre
Quebec Coalition of Sexual Assault Help Centers