publicdomainpictures/George Hodan - Picture has been edited by The 3 sex*

Story • Heterosexual, me? Yes, no, maybe.

16 December 2016

Stories are written by people who don’t necessarily work or study in fields related to sexology. They convey emotions, perceptions, and subjective perspectives. Opinions voiced in the stories are those of their authors, and in no way represent Les 3 sex* position.


☛ Ce témoignage est aussi disponible en français [➦].

Translated by Florence Bois-Villeneuve

There I was, in my early twenties, just starting a new job. I was dressed in red and sporting a new lip gloss when I first saw her—my new colleague. I nearly fell out of my chair! SHE WAS DROPDEAD GORGEOUS! 

As someone whose body language normally gives them away, I tried to play it cool. But once we started chatting, it just went on forever. Beauty is one thing. But being interesting is another. She was both. Brilliant, charming and articulate: I was smitten! 

Then the denial set in. I refused to believe it because... as everyone knows, I’m straight! I let some time go by, several weeks in fact. After all, we hardly saw each other. Months went by, and I continued to keep a low profile, sparing only the odd thought for the woman who had planted a seed of doubt in my mind. 

Was she an exception, or could I really be physically and emotionally attracted to women? 

After much soul-searching, I came to the conclusion that I had to tell her. After all, it was a nice compliment, right? She took it very well and was even flattered, but it goes without saying that it took every ounce of my courage to get the words out. 

Spoiler alert: Nothing happened and probably never will, emotionally or physically, between the two of us. Sometimes life takes you down different paths, where time just... takes care of things, I guess. That’s hard for me to admit when I’m feeling lovesick. I’m probably what you’d call “heartbroken.” I blame it on time! But how can you blame life, really, when it has a way of turning out so well? I’m letting it do its job. 

I tell myself that life puts people in my path for a reason. 

Maybe I’ll reread this in 10 years and find this heartbreak silly. One thing is sure, though: Right now, it’s very real. I can also tell you it’s quite something to question your sexual orientation/sexual identity in your early twenties. Your entire life experience up to that point is called into question, and you start wanting to test yourself... 

That woman made me feel something that no other person, regardless of gender, had ever made me feel before.

I’m pouring out my feelings here because I can’t talk to anyone else about them. At least, not the way I can here. Of course I have friends, but they protect me because they love me. As my best friend would say, it’s because we’ve known each other since we were in diapers. 

I wish her and her girlfriend all the happiness in the world. She’ll always be special to me, and she knows it. She was the first. Maybe she’ll be the last? One thing is certain: Life is full of beautiful, precious surprises. And everything happens for a reason. 

I’m a lot like the tree in the picture above. 

You decide what that means.

heterosexuality, bisexuality, love, time, lover, heart, the first one, physical attraction, sexual attraction, love sickness


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