☛ Cette chronique est aussi disponible en français [➦].

Translated by Gabrielle Baillargeon-Michaud. 

It is likely that at least once in your life you have ridden an electric escalator, a staircase that moves up or down, from which you can only get off when you reach the end. What does this have to do with sexology and relationships, you might ask? Well, know that author and journalist Amy Gahran describes interesting similarities between an escalator and the way romantic relationships are built in contemporary North American society in her book titled Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator (Gahran, 2017).

One can find numerous examples of this in popular media, including movies and TV shows across various genres. For instance, in How I Met Your Mother, the character Ted is on a quest to find the future mother of his children throughout the series. Similarly, in Friends, the characters pursue love throughout the series’ different seasons. According to Gahran, these narratives endorse a cisheteronormative model consisting of multiple stages that typically culminate in a monogamous relationship and family life—deemed the pinnacle of the social hierarchy. She notes that individuals at the top of this hierarchy are most highly valued. A commonly asked question at the onset of a relationship, "Is this relationship going anywhere?" (Gahran, 2017), implies that the relationship should follow a predetermined path, and any break from the norm might be viewed as a failure. The ultimate objective of the escalator is to achieve a long-lasting monogamous relationship (sexual, romantic, and exclusive between two people). Gahran clarifies that this model also applies to LGBTQ+ relationships, which are not exempt from these societal pressures.

Gahran’s perspective echoes the theory of sexual scripts by Simon and Gagnon¹ (Monteil, 2016), outlining societal expectations about what individuals "should or should not do" to reach the escalator’s summit. She describes the relationship escalator as having eight distinct steps that couples typically navigate:

1. Establishing contact or engaging in more intimate interactions, such as dating and flirting;
2. Initiating a romantic relationship with acts of affection, alongside sexual intimacy;
3. Publicly defining the relationship, referring to each other as girlfriend/boyfriend, and committing to romantic and sexual exclusivity. This stage may also involve changing contraception methods and no longer using condoms during sexual relations;
4. Aligning lifestyles, developing routines concerning time spent together, sexual habits, and communication;
5. Committing to long-term endeavors and introducing each other to families;
6. Combining physical and financial resources, moving in together, and sharing everyday life;
7. Solidifying the partnership through marriage and/or starting a family²;
8. Planning for future legacies or asset transfer, such as home purchases or raising children—a step perceived as less essential than in decades past, but still seen by some as the ultimate goal.

This model can marginalize or render invisible relationships that diverge from these norms, such as ethical non-monogamy, celibacy, single parenthood, or choosing not to cohabitate with a partner. It's crucial to emphasize that the goal is not to criticize traditional relationships but to explore whether these conventional models are the best fit for everyone.

Gahran poignantly observes that an electric escalator only allows you to move up or down, forcing you in one direction, and that on the escalator, you cannot change directions at will.

This restrictive relationship model can make any break from the norm seem like a failure, thereby provoking negative emotions connected to romantic and/or sexual relationships. It is therefore vital to critically assess one’s relationship approach to discover what is genuinely suitable for individual desires and circumstances.

For those interested in further exploring alternative relational models, reading Gahran’s book can provide additional insights through various examples and testimonials. Additionally, for more information on different relational models or for personal guidance, consulting a sexologist may be beneficial.

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¹ According to this theory, learning and practicing sexuality involves acquiring and understanding what determines that an act, gesture, moment or interaction is sexual in nature. This enables individuals to recognize sexual situations and react accordingly.

² The author points out that having a child is not mandatory, but that social pressures can play a role.