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Story • The choice of my life, the choice of a life!

19 September 2019
Nancy
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Stories are written by people who don’t necessarily work or study in fields related to sexology. They convey emotions, perceptions, and subjective perspectives. Opinions voiced in the stories are those of their authors, and in no way represent Les 3 sex* position.

Translated by Florence Bois-Villeneuve

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I am a 37-year-old woman, in a relationship with a man for the past 16 years, and I am childfree by choice. 

I believe that the main reason why I chose not to have children is my difficult childhood. Growing up, the roles were reversed, and I often felt like my mother’s parent. My mother often told me, when she got angry, that her children had ruined her life. Her words had a huge impact on my psychological development and affected my self-esteem. I felt like my being born was the reason for most of her problems. I still feel guilty about this, and in many ways. I’ve given a lot of thought to it, trying to figure out if my choice to remain childfree was based solely on my difficult childhood. I will probably never really know for sure.

In 2019, women should be allowed to choose whether or not to have children. However, I still feel the need to justify my choice. To this day, I still feel guilty when the subject of motherhood is brought up by friends or family. They don’t need to know about my past wounds or my strong opinions about maternity. Still, I want to tell people who think of motherhood as the highest form of selflessness that it can also be a way to fulfill a narcissistic need. I believe that several women have children to fill an emotional void and think, mistakenly, that their children belong to them.

People say that there is no right time to have kids, and because I’m living in ideal conditions, or at least near-ideal conditions (I have a rather small family), I feel an even stronger need to justify my choice not to have children. I have a great job, a house and a partner who would be an excellent dad. So many people have children in worse conditions. 

Nevertheless, I don’t need to have kids to feel fulfilled. When I see a family with children, I am not moved one bit. I don’t feel the slightest hint of jealousy or regret as I watch them.

What about life as a couple?

In my opinion, choosing not to have children further complicates a couple’s relationship. When I was in my twenties, I got asked THE burning question early on by every one of my partners at the time: “Do you want kids?”

Something one of my boyfriends said still echoes inside my uterus: “I want at least two kids.” His comment made me lose interest in the relationship almost immediately. I knew if I invested too much into it, I would end up getting hurt, because I already knew I didn’t want kids. I knew these relationships wouldn’t last.

Women always pay a much higher price than men when it comes to children, and it’ll always be that way. Just look at the many women who develop eating disorders, self-image and self-esteem problems during motherhood and after childbirth.

Who misses more workdays? 
Whom does the child cry out for when they have a nightmare? 
Who mostly takes care of the appointment, the chores and the kids’ activities?
The answer is clear to me: women. 

Witnessing my female friends have children and then disappear for almost two years to try and adapt to their lifestyle changes and new routine left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I decided not to have children. It’s a well-informed, carefully thought-out decision. I wish people would stop glorifying motherhood, and I’d like to see more childfree people represented in television and radio ads. I’d like to live my life as a woman without feeling guilty for not wanting children.

We only have one life to live, we might as well live it the way we want to.

childfree, woman without children, childhood, trauma, self-confidence, psychological development, guilt, thoughts, reason, selfishness, narcissism, empty, partner, couple

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