Stories are written by people who don’t necessarily work or study in fields related to sexology. They convey emotions, perceptions, and subjective perspectives. Opinions voiced in the stories are those of their authors, and in no way represent the position of Les 3 sex*.

Ce témoignage est aussi disponible en français [➦].

Translated by Zoe Yarymowich

“You don’t want children!? Well then! You are still too young to know!”

I am 22 years old. Two seconds ago, I thought I was an adult. A young adult, sure, but nevertheless an adult who is capable of making their own decisions.

Every time someone makes this kind of comment, there is a rage that arises in me. But I have to stay calm while in this person’s presence despite them thinking they know my feelings and intentions better than I do (which happens to me far too often).

Why don't I want children? Well, here are several reasons:

• I don't want to have a living being in my belly;
• I don't want to give birth (I must admit that all things about birth frighten me and rarely strike me as “positive”);
• I don't want to stop sleeping through the night for months or even years just to feed a vulnerable little being and clean up after it;
• I don't want to stop working to take care of a child 24 hours a day for a year;
• I don't want to argue with a little human being about things that I don’t think should be argued;
• I don't want to plan my life around a child;
• I don't want to have to educate another human being;
• I don't want to deprive my needs to fulfill the needs of a child;
• I don't want to deal with endless crises arising from unknown sources;
• I don't want to have a child…That’s all there is to it! I am tired of justifying myself!

But even so, despite having my reasons and being sure of them, I know what the responses from others are:

• “But there are plenty of positive sides that you are not seeing!”
• “But children are so beautiful!”
• “I didn’t want any before either!”
• “You’ll see, one day your biological clock will strike!”
• “But who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?”
• “What does your boyfriend have to say about that?”
• “Your parents won’t be grandparents! They must be disappointed!”

Those are other people’s arguments, not mine!

So, clearly there are many reasons why I don't want children, but there is also an emotional aspect…I have had this deep feeling since I was very young: children are just not for me.

When I was little, I used to “play school” and imagine myself as a student. I always hated playing “mommy”; I didn’t know what to do with babies and imagining having a child annoyed me. Believe me, the fact that I don’t want children dates far back! This isn't just an idea I'm throwing out there.This is something I’ve thought through and through. I have weighed the pros and cons and I have discussed them with people.

I know what I want and it’s not children.

I have always felt that having a child would prohibit me from fulfilling myself and my needs. I have many plans for the future: my studies, my work, trips with my family, boyfriend, and friends. Thinking about these plans brings me joy and a desire to go forward in life.

But thinking about having children…Fear and anxiety arise and my plans crumble. I am unable to imagine a future; my brain is blocked! Sometimes, I also think about the future of this little being that I would bring into the world… I find it dramatic, but I can’t help thinking about it.

• What if I gave birth to them and they had an unhappy life?
• What if they were bullied?
• What if something awful happens and there's nothing I can do to stop it or protect them?
• What if climate change accelerates, with all the consequences that come with it?

This little human wouldn’t have chosen to be part of this world, and I wouldn’t be able to help them. At times like these, I tell myself that I would be selfish to impose life on them. On the other hand, I am also selfish not to want children, because I want to choose my life according to my desires and not theirs.

I find the people who make the choice to dedicate themselves to a little human being incredible, but imagining myself in that situation causes a lump in the pit of my stomach. A feeling of fear and discomfort rises in me.

I love children, I find them cute and funny with their bright little eyes and their wacky thoughts. I love spending time with my niece or with the children around me. But five hours maximum! After that, I can’t take it anymore; I just want to give the child back to their parents and return to the comfort of my own world - my little apartment, quality time with my boyfriend, and without the presence of any child screaming or demanding my attention.

My reflections on the matter soon arrived at sterilization.

At first, I imagined what it would feel like to learn I was infertile and what that would be like for me…I would feel a sense of satisfaction knowing this would now be my reality and I would tell myself that this would only benefit me. I wouldn’t have to worry about getting pregnant or remember to take my pill each day. I believe that it was after this realization that I was made to feel certain of my choice to live child-free. Now, I realize that this could actually be my choice... I could ask a doctor for a tubal ligation.

Part of me thinks that it would be simple, that I would only have to ask for it and everything would be fixed. However, another part of me doesn’t want to argue about the fact that I’m “only” 22 years old. I also don’t want to tell the people around me, because even though it's my decision, I know that many would react as if it were a choice that concerned them. I would have to explain myself, justify myself, repeat (and repeat) my arguments, constantly reiterating my feelings on the matter. I’m already tired just thinking about it…

I know that what I’m saying may seem irrational or incomprehensible to many. That’s okay. I’m not asking anyone to understand. I just want people to stop looking at me with wide eyes as if I’m completely crazy, like I’m not a normal woman because I don’t feel the need to have offspring.

All I want is to have the right to my opinion. I don’t understand other people’s desire to have children, and yet I’ve never said to anyone, scandalized:

“You want children!? Well then! You are still too young to know! You’ll change your mind!”

Other stories are available in the file “Childfree: Between Freedom and Stigma”. Do not hesitate to consult the file in its entirety to learn more about this reality.