Stories are written by people who don’t necessarily work or study in fields related to sexology. They convey emotions, perceptions, and subjective perspectives. Opinions voiced in the stories are those of their authors, and in no way represent the position of Les 3 sex*.

☛ Ce témoignage est aussi disponible en français [➦].

Translated by Gabrielle Baillargeon-Michaud.

I was banned from Tinder.

Why? I have no idea, and that's precisely why Tinder's ban policy fails to protect anyone from whatever I'm being accused of.

Despite being confident that I haven’t engaged in any objectionable behaviour and haven't broken any rules, there's a chance I could be wrong and have inadvertently harmed someone or what Tinder calls its "community." If that's the case, I feel it's my responsibility and moral duty to acknowledge this, make amends if appropriate and helpful, and, most importantly, ensure it doesn't happen again.

So, I tried to reach out to Tinder's support team. Here's what happened:

Me: "Hello! It's been years since I last logged into my Tinder account. When I tried to log in a few minutes ago, a message told me my account was banned. Is this an error? I never had any problems with it before, and since I haven't used it for several years, I don't understand how this could've happened. Can you help me?"

Tinder: "Hello. Thank you for contacting our team. Your account has been banned from Tinder for violating our Terms of Use or Community Guidelines. To promote safety on our platform, we take policy violations seriously. You will no longer be able to access your account or create new accounts. Please review our terms of use and community guidelines for more details on the policy. Thank you, [Employee Name 1]"

Me: "Hello. That's exactly what the message said when I tried to log into my account yesterday, but I am certain I haven't broken any rules at any point during my app use. Additionally, as I mentioned in my previous message, my account was banned when I wasn't using Tinder. How could I have violated a rule while not active on the platform? Best regards, Claude [fictional first name]"

Tinder: "Hello Claude, Thank you for the follow-up. We take violations of our terms of use and community guidelines very seriously. Your account will remain banned from Tinder, and you will not be able to create a new Tinder profile using your Facebook account and/or phone number. Please review our terms of use and community guidelines for more information about our policies. Best, [Employee Name 2]"

Me: "Hello. Thanks for your response. I'm getting the same reply twice, which doesn't address my question. Is it possible to have a conversation that isn't scripted? I've already researched the terms of use and community rules, as well as the implications of a ban, before I initially reached out to your user support team. So far, the information you've provided doesn't help me understand the issue. I reiterate that I believe there has been a mistake since I haven't used the platform for years and had no issues when I did use it, nor did I receive any bans, warnings, complaints, or have conflicts with other users. I am aware of the policies you mentioned and confident I have not violated any rules. I don't know how this ban happened, but it is a mistake, and I am willing to cooperate to resolve this issue together. I appreciate that you take violations seriously; it's important. However, it's equally important that mistakes are acknowledged and corrected when they occur. Kind regards, Claude"

Tinder: "Hello Claude, Thank you for the follow-up. Unfortunately, we cannot provide more detailed information at this time. Please review our terms of use and community guidelines for more information about our policies. Best, [Employee Name 3]"

After hitting this communicational dead-end, I sent one final message to the team. It felt necessary to point out the absurdity of the process and the severity of its consequences.

I questioned whether it meant that no information regarding the reasons for my ban would be shared with me; whether it was expected that I stop seeking clarity on the accusations concerning my use of Tinder; whether they expected me to understand the charges against me and their implications despite the absence of communication with me; and whether Tinder truly believed that such a policy of unexplained bans would protect its "community" of users in the long term.

This situation seems symptomatic of a more significant, more pressing issue. It reflects a culture where interpersonal violence can persist, partly because too many influential actors in society—like celebrities, public figures, media, tech companies, and dating apps—do not engage with it. Tinder is neither the first nor the last to opt for superficial actions aimed more at saving face than being part of the solution.

In the scenario I described, I was prepared to hear the specific complaints concerning my profile or usage of the app to understand potential harms and correct the situation moving forward (whether on Tinder or another dating app). In other words, if necessary, I would change my behaviour to avoid perpetuating interpersonal violence. Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to take such steps. Regrettably, Tinder fails to make a concrete and significant impact in promoting better practices within its "community."

As someone who has encountered problematic behaviour from other users in the past, it's also disappointing to learn that those I reported or who may have been banned for other rule violations were not given the opportunity to understand what they were accused of and therefore could not learn from the experience.

Of course, a too-detailed feedback system could jeopardize the privacy of those who report another user. Such a scenario could trigger an angry response from the banned individual, who might respond aggressively and violently, which is not acceptable. And Tinder also has a duty to protect its users. However, it is possible to share the general reasons for a ban without revealing who reported it, perhaps even suggesting that these behaviours were identified by an algorithmic detection system rather than other users. Since mistakes can be made by the platform, by its users, and by those enforcing the penalties, Tinder must provide a review system that allows banned individuals to appeal. An appeals process should be in place to reassess the decision if it is proven to be erroneous.

In any case, it seems that a simple ban draws attention to ways to create a new account rather than how to respect the rules and individuals involved (as evidenced by numerous online articles and discussions on Reddit and Quora). If the banning process is indeed intended to protect the community and prevent rule violations, it's likely a futile effort. It's hard to see who benefits from it:

• Tinder loses users and revenue;
• The banned user loses access to the platform and misses out on the opportunity to reflect on their interactions with other people with whom they wanted to engage;
• The community remains unprotected, as the problematic user can quickly return and repeat their negative behaviours on Tinder and other dating apps.

In a society where more and more people hope and wish for everyone to engage in a respectful manner towards others and communities, I would have liked major players like Tinder to equip themselves with more effective intervention tools that are meaningful and valuable.

Maintaining the status quo without feeling responsible for the problem is easy…and the universe knows that those with problematic behaviours are rarely the ones who feel responsible.

While waiting for a better world, I am left to decide whether to accept the ban or to circumvent it, thanks to the agentivity that Tinder has given me.