Stories are written by people who don’t necessarily work or study in fields related to sexology. They convey emotions, perceptions, and subjective perspectives. Opinions voiced in the stories are those of their authors, and in no way represent the position of Les 3 sex*.

Ce témoignage est aussi disponible en français [➦].

Translated by Gabrielle Baillargeon-Michaud.

Do you see yourself in this story?

Subtle violence in relationships harms everyone involved – both those who experience it and those who perpetrate it. I was once one of those people who inflicted violence without realizing it.

In my thirties, coming from a culture where men usually make the first move, I found Quebec's approach to flirting different. Women here often take the lead, so I tried to adapt. Taking the initiative made me feel confident, but I didn't realize it could come across as harassment.

I thought that no one would turn me down because I was attractive. I was utterly mistaken.

I met Kyle on social media. He was my type, and his slight avoidance only spurred me on. Unknowingly, we were fostering a toxic dynamic. He mentioned having other suitors, which made me feel competitive – I wanted to be the one he chose. 

We talked extensively online but met only twice. Our first date was at a bar, a typical city outing. At the time, I believed that a successful date had to end with sex, as it often was the expectation set by the men I met. After our first meeting, I insisted we do it. He didn't want to. He was tired and wanted to go home. I flirted, encouraged him to touch me, and I touched him. I was focused on my needs and completely ignored his. 

He eventually gave in, and we had sex in his car. At that moment, I felt satisfied. This act fulfilled my need for validation, desirability, agency, self-esteem, and confidence, reassuring me despite my lack of self-confidence.

Years later, I realized that my actions stemmed from a lack of self-love, fear of rejection, and a degree of emotional dependence. I eventually stopped pursuing Kyle because I felt he was toying with me. Ultimately, we were both engaged in an unhealthy game. I resented him for a long time, but when I started reflecting on my behaviour, I became aware of the part I had played. Regardless of how he acted, he didn't deserve to have my desires imposed on him.

I now see that my actions were hurtful, and I empathize with the person I used to be, unaware of my own impact. Through some personal reflection and workshops, I came to understand my actions. What helped me most was learning to love myself rather than seeking love and approval from others. It was up to me to overcome my emotional dependency.

Today, I'm proud of the progress I've made. I don't erase the past and sincerely apologize for who I was. What keeps me from reverting to that old version of myself is continually developing self-love and replacing my belief of “I can’t take no for an answer” with “If someone tells me no, I'm still lovable. We're just not meant to be together, and that's okay.”

This experience taught me that changing problematic behaviours and finding harmony and balance in relationships is possible. To do this, you need to face yourself, forgive yourself, and give yourself a lot of love, empathy, and kindness. We can create relationships free of insidious violence; self-awareness is the first step toward change. I hope you move toward the best version of yourself, love yourself first, and respect others.